By Reina Zatylny, Fertility Counsellor (MSW, RSW)
As a fertility patient, you may have found that while trying to be supportive, sometimes friends, family and others you meet in social situations do not know what to say or how to say it. And at times, their comments may inadvertently end up being more hurtful than helpful. Here is a guide, with concrete examples, that can help you gently educate the well-meaning people in your life on how best to support you during your fertility challenges.
Infertility Facts: What to Tell Family about Infertility
The vast majority of people who want to have children are able to do so without difficulty. However, one in six couples experiences infertility. Many of the emotional impacts of infertility include:
- Ongoing feelings of sadness, loss, grief and guilt
- Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness
- Loss of interest in usual activities
- Social isolation or avoidance, especially those who are pregnant or who have children
- Challenges within the relationship
- Feeling excessively irritable or moody
- Feeling “stuck” in one feeling, such as rage, envy, guilt or feeling out of control
- Worry that they will never being able to have children
What Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive
To better support your loved ones through their diagnosis of infertility, here are some suggestions of what NOT to do:
- Don’t give unsolicited advice: e.g., “you just need to relax.”
- Don’t be afraid to ask questions: But ask first if they want to discuss.
- Don’t minimize the problem: Avoid saying, “Enjoy your freedom now while you can” or “Have faith. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen.”
- Don’t complain about your own pregnancy: Avoid saying, “Children are a lot of work.”
- Don’t ask if they have considered adoption.
- Don’t use minimizing language: e.g., “I know someone who tried…” or “Maybe you should just let nature take its course.”
- Don’t attribute infertility to “God’s plan” or “destiny.”
How to Support Someone During Fertility Treatment
To best support your loved ones going through fertility challenges, here are some positive suggestions:
- Do be aware of the many myths about infertility, including:
- The assumption that infertility is a women’s problem not a man’s issue.
- The belief that everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
- False beliefs like: “It’s all in your head!” or “Just take a vacation.”
Instead… Here is what to say to someone going through a Fertility Journey
- Listen first and validate feelings: Say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this” or “That sounds really hard.”
- Ask: “How can I best support you?”
- Offer support without pressure:
- Send a note: “I’m thinking of you.”
- “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to chat. How can I help?”
- Do your own research: Become more informed about infertility independently.
- Be mindful when sharing pregnancy news:
- Be honest: Share news directly (via text or email) rather than social media to allow them to process privately.
- Give them space: Allow for mixed emotions without taking it personally.
Appropriate language, conversation and caring will mean the world to your loved ones and will go a long way towards helping them throughout their journey.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should you not say to someone going through IVF?
Although it may seem like a good idea, don’t give unsolicited advice such as “you just need to relax” or diminish their upset by saying “enjoy your freedom now while you can.” Avoid complaining about your own children or asking about adoption.
How can I support a friend with Infertility?
Listen first and validate their feelings. Ask how you can best support them and offer help without pressure for constant updates. Doing your own research is also a great way to show you care.
Is it okay to ask about someone’s fertility treatment?
It is okay to ask, but check first if they want to discuss it. Let them proceed at their own pace without feeling pressured to reveal more than they are comfortable with.
What is the best way to check in with someone going through IVF?
Be consistent and genuine. Try saying: “I know that you’ve been going through a lot, and just wanted to check in.” Offer low-pressure activities like going for a walk or dropping off comfort food.
